Whatcha Gonna Do Brother
by megamatt09
Summary: Harry Potter heads to a mysterious temple to gain an ancient and fabled power to defeat Voldemort.


"You sure this is the way?"

Harry looked back at Ron and Hermione who were both following him down a beaten pathway.

"Yes, this is the way," Hermione confirmed. "This will allow you to tap into an ancient power that will allow you to defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

"I don't know about this guy, I mean, this guy he's a bit of a….well you know," Ron said as he looked back.

"Well for the record, I don't like you either," a dry and sarcastic voice said. The group turned around to see quite the specimen behind them.

He had unkempt greasy black hair that hung down past his shoulders, along with mismatched teeth and thick glasses. This young man was quite the pudgy and pale fella. He wore a white shirt with the words "Best in the World" written on it, in red. He wore checkboard blue and black pants, with tennis shoes, and he also was wearing a fanny pack.

"Well….we need to trust him….um…..what did you say your name was?"

"Megamatt09, you may call me, Megamatt09," he commented dryly, looking at Hermione with bemusement. "The temple is straight away but beware, there be demons down the road to the temple."

"I can't believe this guy, I mean….are you trying to tell me we have to get help from some….some….some….wrestler!" Ron yelled as if the entire thought was outlandish. "I mean, who watches wrestling. Don't you know that it's fake?"

"So is many television shows, movies, and the literature series that you three have spawned from, that created a shitty line of movies, that was also fake," megamatt09 sniped back as he followed them down the path. "Only a bunch of elitist snobs would thumb their nose down on something that is fake, and actually have the gall to like anything else that is in fact fake."

Ron turned over to Hermione. "He's quite touchy, isn't he?"

"Well, I think professional wrestling is a noble mix of sports and entertainment," Hermione said as she looked up into the sky. "I read that the original Ultimate Warrior died and he was replaced."

"Go fuck yourself," megamatt09 groaned gritting his teeth.

"What did I do?" Hermione asked as they made their way down the path.

"Is this the door?" Harry asked but megamatt09 grabbed his hand and blocked it.

"You wouldn't want to go in there, trust me, in there leads to madness."

The door read "IMPACT" on it and the quartet walked away, shuddering thinking that they would make their way past the door.

"And this leads to the dungeons," Harry said but Hermione grabbed him and paused.

"Yes, of doom," Megamatt09 and there was a bellowing voice coming from inside.

"SULLIVAN FETCH ME MY HERROID CREAM!"

"Yes, father, right away father."

"YES, NO, YES, NO, YES, NO!"

"SHARK ATTACK, SHARK ATTACK!"

"How you say, we will eat your lunch?"

They made their way further down the path of death and there was a young man sitting in the fields, rocking back and forth. It was that guy who used to be a thing.

"I used to be cool, I used to be relevant, they destroyed my career, now I'm nothing, they killed me, oh they killed me," the young man said as he lifted his fist up and did a weak fist pump along with a half hearted "Woo, woo, woo, you know it, bro."

The group slowly edged past this young man, not wanting to have anything to do with him as he sunk slowly into mediocrity.

They reached their destination, a red and yellow temple with torches. It was the temple of Hulk-Ri-La.

"Are we sure about this?" Hermione asked nervously. "I mean, after all of that time he spent in the unspeakable place…his power might not be as potent as it once was."

"Only one point two million people saw them at their height," megamatt09 said as he leaned forward. "After you."

Harry knocked on the door three times. The door swung open and he stepped forward, to see a large red and golden throne at the top of the set of stairs.

"Who dares enter, brother?"

The voice echoed as the wizened master looked down at him.

"It's I, Harry Potter….."

"We've come here to seek the power to defeat the Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," Hermione said.

"Well let me tell you something Mean Gene. I've been hanging and banging in the streets of Venice Beach, with my brother Bruti, and all of the little Hulkamaniacs have been flocking to me. They've been saying, Hulkster, what's your opinion on that Harry Potter cat, dude. Well, I say, he's a true blue, Hulkamaniac, Jack."

"Actually I'm more of a Macho Man fan really…."

"So, I turn to Brother Bruti and there's this nasty Lord Voldemort, dude, who is causing terror for all the little kids, who train, say their prayers, and take their vitamins. We must bring the full power of Hulkamania down on Voldemort, dude. So, we feel the power, and the Dark Lord will be quivering in his boots. As we pick him up and slam him down, the fault lines of the world will shatter. The Richter scale will be off of the charts, brother. All of his Death Eaters will sink down beneath the Earth and all of them will scream in terror, as they are sucked in by the righteousness of Hulkamania. But then, you will deliver them, fly them up into the stratosphere as the Earth crumbles and Lord Voldemort falls, brother."

"Cocaine, it's a wonderful drug," megamatt09 whispered to Hermione, who shushed him.

"Much like I picked up all nine hundred pounds of Andre the Giant over my head, in front of a million fans, at Wrestlemania 3, and slammed him down to the ground and two hours later, he perished thanks to the power of Hulkamania, you will pick Lord Voldemort over your head and take him down. Show him that his powers are nothing compared to the power of Hulkamania, the most awesome force in the universe."

He stepped to his feet.

"So, Mean Gene, I tell you this brother, and I tell this to all of the Hulkamaniacs, and most importantly that nasty, stinky, wart infested Lord Voldemort. Whatcha gonna do, when Hulkamania and Pottermania run wild on you dude. Whatcha gonna do!"

The Hulkster got up and started posing but because he's old, he threw out his hip and his back, brother.

Harry knew what he must do.

* * *

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Harry thumped down onto the ground and he was down. And he didn't get up, and he wasn't up. And he still didn't get up.

No, no, still dead.

Harry Potter was dead.

The power of Hulkamania did not work.

"Perhaps we should have siphoned off some of Cena's powers in hindsight," megamatt09 summarized.

"Or the Undertaker?" Hermione suggested.

"Yes or Triple H's."

* * *

"I tell you, if the Harry Potter would have come to me, instead of that Hollywood Blonde jabroni Hulk Hogan, I would have defeated the Riddle. Fuck the Riddle. I would have suplexed him, put him in the camel clutch, break his back, and then fuck his ass. I'd make him humble. But fuck the Harry Potter, and fuck the Hulk Hogan and fuck the Riddle."

An Arabian man dressed like a sheik to the camera.

"FACKING BULLSHEET!"

**Happy April Fool's Day Everyone and To All a Good Night. **

A dark haired man with a permanently creepy smile popped up after the end. "I tell you, if Harry Potter would have become one of the Bo-Lievers, he would have won. He's a good kid, he just didn't Bo-Lieve."

He kept smiling as we faded to black.


End file.
